Let’s reduce!

I finally bit the bullet and made a ‘diet’ jello recipe. I really wish I hadn’t.

The recipe comes from a book published in 1942 simply called Reducing. It’s published by Knox brand, so every recipe has jello. Apparently you can just add a packet of jelly to anything and you’re suddenly skinny! It’s all the protein. Early Atkins diet?

And who says diet food can’t be tasty? Certainly not Knox! That’s how I found my new go to weight loss meal, Prune Salad.

I know, I know, salads are soooooo boring on a diet! Well you’re in luck because this one has absolutely no right to call itself salad!

Just soak in those ingredients. Think about savoring them. Prunes, cottage cheese, chili sauce, pickles, and jello. I’m gagging already. Now, in their defense, the recipe called for ‘chopped pickle’ which I assume is that gross fake Indian crap old people and English people like. But I wasn’t about to go searching, and both are gross, so oh well. Chili sauce was a real curve ball as well. I didn’t know they had chilis in the 40s.

So anyway you make the jello and chill it a little. While you wait for that sweet, sweet, jiggly goodness you can prepare the rest.

Poop. On so many levels.

Everything all ready. Betchya haven’t seen pickles and prunes together before. Also that’s salt in the corner, sadly not msg. I guess people didn’t worry about sodium back then. Or powdered horse hoof.

Mmmmmmmmixed all up and ready to rock. Just look at those bubbles. Healthy salads have bubbles.

Put that hot mess into the fridge for as long as you want, and serve on greens.

Anticipation! Don’t worry, that lettuce was pretty wilted, we did not waste good food on this salad. Well, except the prunes

Finished in all it’s glory. Look at how big the bubbles got!

The tasting was interesting. I couldn’t even swallow it. The chili mixed with prune was about the grossest thing I’ve ever had. Not to mention the pickles, which were gross but totally over powered. I would rate this one not only the worst recipe so far, but the worst thing I’ve ever eaten.

The strange part was that Stu actually kind of liked it. He had more than one of his obligatory spoonfuls. He liked the salt and said it was better than any of the fish loaves. His opinion is wrong.

On the bright side, I think I’ve found a diet I can stick to. I don’t think I could ever be hungry enough to hork this down.

Crappy Easter!

I know I promised some diet recipes, but things got busy and  I couldn’t eat that healthy. But rest assured, they’re coming.

In the meantime I thought I would share with you an Easter delight! It’s not from the 50s, it’s a recipe I came up with. And it did not work.

First you get some jello and some peeps. Then you mix them together.

The problem is that they don’t want to be mixed together. The sugar bubbles and the peeps try to bob their way out of a horrible jelled death.

Mmmm bubbly

That’s what the peeps look like when they ultimately pop themselves out of the jello mixture. Who wouldn’t want to eat this sticky yellow loogie?!

So these are the few that stayed in tact. Only two retained their peeps, the rest just have yellow peep holes.

LOGO! I’m sorry I made a inedible jello. What a waste.

The only peep to remain encased. The brown dot is his eye. And he looks more like Winston Churchill than a peep.

So, he got eaten

Poor guy, sliced down the middle. And all that yellow crust in front!

It tasted pretty gross, as expected. Nothing but sugar and super sticky marshed mallow. I definitely don’t recommend making it a tradition. But, in the spirit of the holiday, I ate for your sins.

Sneak Preview

“Gelatine is very useful as a protein supplement in the restricted reducing dietary. It is all body building protein which will spare essential body tissues. It contains seven of the ten ‘essential’ amino acids and a majority of the 23 accepted amino acids.”

Get ready for the jello diet. It’s time to body build with protein dietary.

You’re the Winner!

Alright, interest seems to have dried up so I’m going to reveal the dramatic results of Guess The Gross 2013.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaand you were all wrong! It was an American classic. A delicacy you might even say.

Molded Macaroni and Cheese! And what a wonderful take on the old classic. I highly suggest next time you make some comfort food you toss in some pimento, mayo (or salad dressing, it’s your call, I don’t judge), and of course some Knox brand gelatine!

So sorry, no 1000 hugs or slaps for anyone. But maybe next time I see you I’ll give you one of each.

It’s a Secret to Everyone

My many fans (Hi Pauline!!) have been asking for an update. Then I remembered that I actually went through all the work of making a disgusting recipe around Christmas time. My aunt Kathy (Hi Kathy!!) sent me some amazing authentic molds and I wanted to use them. But, I also wanted to use my new iPhone. So I shot the whole thing with my phone (which turned out better than expected) and then forgot the whole thing when it went in to the wrong folder. NOW I don’t have anything hilarious to say about the individual steps, because I don’t have any recollection of doing this.

So, I thought I would do something new. YOU tell ME what’s going on in these photos. Anyone who can guess either all of the correct ingredients or the correct recipe name wins 1000 hugs (or 1000 slaps, your choice). Even the strangers who follow! But remember, more than anything, hilarity wins.

So here goes, two of the most beautiful photos ever:

(I tried to make a gingerbread/nasty food man, it was Christmas time!)

So have your way with them, my friends (but lets face it, mostly family)!

MSG Me!

Title: Just Add Gelatin

In a world of plastic beauty and paleo/vegan/locally sourced organ diets why not celebrate the outdated, unhealthy, and disgusting food our parents grew up on? Also, hipsters love old timey shit.

MSG me!

Everyone’s favorite: Prunes!

Hi all! I know I’ve been bad about the updating lately. A week home + interviews for jobs that might actually pay me means I haven’t been concentrating on Jello housewifery. Sorry.

I think I can make it up to you with my last recipe. It was hands down the worst thing I have ever tasted. It’s Prune Whip! I found the recipe in an awesome book from my favorite local weirdo store:

It is the perfect old people food. Soft and pruney. Great for the digestive tract.

Pretty simple, really. First you dissolve the gelatine in cold water.

Then you add HOT PRUNE JUICE and lemon and some other stuff. I wonder if there’s anyone out there that drinks hot prune juice all the time? I sure hope not.

Microwave the shit out of that juice! Now you are supposed to add prune pulp. This is where I got lost. There was no pulp in the juice, so what the shit is prune pulp? I even tried to make my own with prunes and cheesecloth

Makes you hungry, right? Everything about prunes is beautiful.

Anyway that wasn’t working and was way too much work for some nasty jello food. So I just chopped up some regular ass prunes.

Yum yum yum.

Then you chill to the consistency of beaten egg whites. Which is a crazy coincidence, because then you stir in actual beaten egg whites!

(That is the whip part for those of you that are really stupid).

Then pour the mixture into your fanciest mold and let chill until firm.

Who wouldn’t love that!

Unmold, or as the book suggests, spoon into sherbet glasses. I don’t know what sherbet glasses are (although I can take a wild guess), and I know that I certainly don’t have them. So I went the boring old unmold route. And it was nasty.

These photos are not doctored. I don’t know how to doctor. This was actually that shiny and bubbly. And prune chunky.

The next step is to sprinkle with generic nuts and enjoy enjoy enjoy. I didn’t want to waste good nuts so I just used a few.

We tried to eat it, but honestly it was horrible. Prunes mixed with eggs is pretty much all it was. Raw eggs. It probably wasn’t even safe! I’m suing the writers of Gel Cookery!

It looked and tasted exactly like red wine vomit. Bubbly red wine vomit. Is there a red champagne? Like that vomit.

When it became clear that we couldn’t stomach even a spoonful, we had to get rid of it the only way we knew how. There was supposed to be a video here but I can’t figure out how to attach it. It will be it’s own special post.

And that is my triumphant return. I don’t know what to make next. Suggestions are welcome.

Refreshing Summer Sandwiches

It has been hot here (and everywhere in the US). So hot it puts the ‘ho’ in hot. So I haven’t felt like cooking, or doing anything really. This exact situation is where Jell-O is a viking! So I searched through my disgusting old books and found the most refreshing, no-bake recipe I could. Which, unfortunately, turned out to be Jell-O’s herb-glazed sandwiches.  According to The Joys of Jell-O Your luncheon or tea sandwiches stay fresh and flavorful under a glaze. And how!

The ingredients are much the same as all the other recipes, only this time with Classic White Wonder bread, and some fancy spices.

So, first you make the Jell-O. Only this time it’s not like all the other times! You also boil the water and powder with some black peppercorns, cayenne, a bay leaf, and a butt-load of dill.

Then you drain out all the chunks and chill the Jell-O for about an hour, or until it’s ‘syrupy’.

While you wait for the cow hooves to congeal you make sandwiches of your choice. The book suggests such delights as wheat bread topped with hard boiled eggs and shrimp, but I decided to go with a delicious tuna salad on Wonder Bread. It just seemed fitting.

You can say you’re nutritious all you want, but I’m not buying it!

My first ever Bumblebee Tuna. It was actually decent. Before I glazed it anyway…

Now that is some fine sandwich makin’ if I do say so myself!

After about an hour you slop the Jell-O over the sandwiches, and put them back in the fridge until fully set. You can get so much done while cooking with gelatin! Or you can watch Real Housewives marathons back to back! Guess which one I did!

I didn’t have the right pan (dish?) for this, as I’m sure all of you do, so I had to resort to using some small baking sheets we had for thin crust pizzas. I know it’s unforgivable, but my heart was in the right place.

I think my sambos were a little too big.

Deeee-licious! I never want to eat an un-glazed sandwich again!

Just kidding, it was nasty! The Jell-O was spicy AND sweet, with that awful saccharin taste lemon Jell-O has. My husband, Stu, actually liked it the best of all my attempts so far, though. He thought the spice over powered the horribleness of the Jell-O and tuna, and made it tolerable enough to eat. He actually ate an entire sandwich. Ish. As for “fresh and flavorful” these sandwiches really just stayed cold and inhale-able.

This recipe really ended up being a disappointment, in that it really wasn’t that gross. The worst part is that it made my fridge all sticky. Other than that it was just bland, white, suburban 50s food. It’s the first time I could kind of understand that people really ate this crap willingly, and that is terrifying. I think I have had too much! I will eat anything now! Soon I will eat nothing but gelled foods; bland things I can gum down.

Glistening. Make everything I eat glisten from now on!

We are leaving this week for the West Coast (not the best coast) and will be gone for almost 2 weeks. I wouldn’t expect any updates, but maybe there will be an impromptu cook-off? And I’m really looking forward to new thrift store cookbooks! Also, I have something already lined up for our triumphant return.

See you in August!

Just Like They Make in Naples

Well, once again I haven’t cooked any wasteful Jell-O dishes in a while. No excuses really, I’ve just been busy dealing with physical therapy and spending too much at Target. But then I saw I had all sorts of new followers (hi!) and figured I should give the people what they want.

This recipe once again comes from “The Joys of Jell-O.” It is called Neapolitan Salad, and the delicious, healthy summer ingredients were too much to resist!

Salty lemon Jell-O. Yumm. And that is a full pound of each delicious canned veggie, corn, carrots, and lima beans. The recipe said you could substitute canned tomatoes for the corn, but I didn’t see how that could be any better (or worse).

Making it was really pretty easy, you just layer everything up and cover it with Jell-O. You start with the olives. Obviously garlic stuffed are a little zany for the 60s, but they were all I had.

Then comes the corn! Oh that sweet, sweet, corn.

Love that mushy canned corn smell.

Then you toss in the mushy canned carrots

It’s a little hard to see since the carrots are the same color as the mold, but I’m sure your mouths are watering anyway.

Then comes the pièce de résistance: one full pound of canned lima beans! Or one full pound of earwax!

Next you pour in the lemon Jell-O (plus 2 tbsp of salt)

Now THAT is what I look for in a salad!

After that you just shove it in the fridge and anxiously wait for it to gel. And 24 agonizing hours later, BANG you got yerself a salad!

Each layer tastier than the last!

We cut it down the middle to eat it, just to get each amazing canned flavor in each bite.

This recipe marks a first for Just Add Gelatin, people that I’m not married to tried the food! Well, one person I’m not married to tried the food, while two others looked on in horror that we’d put this anywhere near our mouths. And they were right! It was gross and salty, not to mention I hate lima beans and carrots. 

And why the lemon Jell-O?!? The fake sweetener tasted so horrible with the salt, I had to spit mine into the garbage disposal.

My husband was out of town when the tasting/gagging took place, so I decided to save him the leftovers.

Nothing like a 5 day old liquefying pile of garbage after a long week away. I’m such a good wife.